Posted by: shanty | November 6, 2007

“I am going to explode if anymore shit hits the fan today!”

So it’s been a long week, y’all.

There was Halloween, and Robbie’s party, and we went to Atlantic City for the weekend to celebrate his birthday. Yesterday I was playing catch up at work since I was off on Friday. Blah, blah, blah. Boring, boring boring. I might as well change my name to Sarah Boring and Boring.

Then today, Robbie bitched at me about not posting. I told him I really don’t have anything to post about–I’m just trying to live through the next three days so we can get on the plane to go to Mexico for a week. Nothing else is really going on.

Until this afternoon.

On my lunch break I went to Linens ‘n’ Things to return an over the shower head storage thing that didn’t fit my shower head (natch) and I got back in my car and pulled out of the space. As I prepared to put my car in drive and go to KFC for lunch, a dried up bitch of a woman driving a huge minivan that was parked in the row of cars behind me pulled out of her parking space and slammed right into my door! Before I could even honk the horn!! All I could see was the rear of a minivan coming closer and closer. Here’s a rough estimate of my inner monologue (in the probably 2.5 seconds it actually took) “She’s obviously going to stop. Surely she saw me, right? My car is hard to miss. Apparently not. She’s not GOING TO STOP! OH FUCK!! AHHHHHHH!! *HONK!! HOOOOONK!!!!*”

Needless to say, I was pissed. The woman got out and immediately started saying, “Well, I think we were both pulling out at the same time…” which was NOT true. At all. Then after I parked the car so I could get out of the way of traffic she walked over and started looking at my car saying, “Oh well I didn’t do all of this!” pointing with her boney fingers at the front of my car (where, as some of you know, the front end had to be replaced earlier this year and the colors are mismatched). I told her I wasn’t saying that she did that damage, but she did damage my door to the point that I could barely open it. We exchanged numbers and I proceeded to call Robbie and scream hysterically for 10 minutes (the opener of the conversation was the quote that titles this entry, btw.).

Now, as most of you who know me know, I have had my share of car issues. So might say bad car karma. My father says I inherited it from my mother. All I know is, I have fucked up many a car. I’ve totalled a car, flooded out a car’s engine, gotten a flat tire and have ridden on the rim (apparently with sparks flying) totally oblivious. I’ve driven a car with holes in the truck and without working windows, and a car that had perpetually bad starters. I’ve had tires explode out of no where while driving in the fast lane of 95 (and almost killed myself and Robbie), I’ve rear ended people and have even had a snow plow dent the side of a car once. I am not lucky in any matter related to cars.

With all of this “learning experience” as some (my Mom, mostly) may call it (I prefer the term “shitty luck”), I have learned to accept my fate for the most part. I accept the fact that my car is going to stall out every morning this winter. I accept the fact that I’ll probably never drive a car with actual air conditioning that’s not generated from open windows. I’ve also accepted responsibility for all of my car issues that were my fault. I believe in karma, you see. I leave notes when I scratch someone’s car. I pay for the damage I do (even if I KNOW IN MY SOUL the old biddy I rear ended pocketed the $900 I paid her instead of using it to fix the damage.). I take responsibility. I don’t blame the other person. And that’s what this woman did.

We’ll call her Joanne. ‘Cause that’s her name. She was so defensive and rude and condescending. As if just because I’m too fucking poor to make a car payment automatically means that I’m at fault. As if because I drive a car that’s 21 years old with fucked up dents and a Beyonce doll straddling my rearview mirror means I’m a careless driver. I’m the first one to admit I speed all the time ’cause I’m always late, but I happen to think I am a careful driver, all things considered (of course Robbie apparently fears for his life a majority of the time he’s in the car with me and I’m driving, but whatev.). I’m always on the lookout for some stupid bitch out to inadvertantly ruin my day by totaling my car or killing me. I use my turn signal and generally obey traffic laws in a roundabout way. And in my over ten years of driving, I haven’t killed or even minorly injured anyone, and I think that’s quite an accomplishment.

Anyway, it’s almost time for me to leave work, but I just needed to vent my frustration. I’ve also included a picture of (obviously) not my car, but a car that has similar damage to mine. Mine is not as bad, but does have similar dents in it that I’ve taken the liberty of pointing out with orange arrows (what can I say, I have a lot of time on my hands?).

The second point of this blog is to ask your opinion. What do you think? Do you think people with shitty cars are automatically bad drivers? Are you ageist or sexist when it comes to driving?

All I know is, if my neck starts to cramp up, Joanne’s gonna get my clog in her ass. Even if I am wearing a neck brace.  




  1. All I know is that post was hella funny… not cuz of what happened of course, just the way you said it! And your inner monologue was priceless.

  2. i’m glad you liked it!!! three more days!!!!

  3. sue the fuckingcunt and put her thru the shit i’mgoin thru now !!!!

  4. well for starters i’m going to take her insurance company for as much as i can. i see the adjuster the monday i come back so i’ll let you know how it goes!! 🙂

    is your stuff still not resolved?! that’s crazy!

  5. oh the mess has gotten even worse.. court date for dec 27th, or if we move it to circuit court, mid to late next year.. i think your neck looks sore and your vacataion is ruined..

    and tyou look like you’re in a bit of shock..

    just share the love when you’re rolling in it


  6. and hey, have fun and miss me lots!!


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