Posted by: shanty | July 25, 2007

In Need of Gossip Detox for Sure

 lopez-wedding.jpg    nickvanessa-resized.jpg

So this morning, instead of taking my shower (I mean I did after I was done and all) I was reading the most recent Jane magazine.

The article I was reading was giving instructions on how to detox from gossip and general celebrity obsession. In case you didn’t know I am TOTALLY obsessed with pop culture/celebrity gossip. TO. TALLY. I dream of one day become awesome enough like my friend Shannon M. to have a subscription to People. Where as Robbie knows about all kinds of music shit first, I always have fun and/or horrifying celebrity tidbits. And a lot of times they’re super random.

For an example, here’s a piece of out conversation from yesterday:

Robbie: Did you know that if you have dinner with the Queen [editor’s note: of England, not like, Elton John] that you have to stop eating when she does?

Me: Yep. Do you know how you know that?

Robbie: From you?

Me: Yep.

Sidenote: Aren’t you beyond yourself with jealously that you’re not as cool as us? I know… I know… But I promise, you’ll be fine. 

Anyway back to the magazine…

While I realize the irony of bascially a gossip mag giving instructions on how to detox from gossip, I liked the article and thought I’d put the list up here (Also ’cause I don’t have anything else to write about since I’ve been dealing with Tori Amos presale DRAMA all day.).

So without further adieu I give you the Twelve Steps for Reclaiming Your Life From Tabloids.

Are you unable to make it through a checkout line without buying a copy of In Touch [ed. note: Yes.]? Does looking at gossip Web sites leave you feeling guilty, bloated and just plain gross [ed. note: kinda…]? Do you find yourself missing dinner reservations because you get caught up in Entertainment Tonight [ed. note: Not ET, per se, but I totally have a TV schedule. At the moment, it’s chock full.]? It’s time to admit that you’re a gossip addict. According to Christopher Waddell, a certified addiction professional, “Gossip addiction, like drug abuse or alcoholism, is a way for people to escape from dealing with reality. When life becomes unmanageable, it’s time to get help [ed. note: thankfully, I happen to think my life is totally manageable. So there, Chris Waddell, “addiction professional!” Btw, wtf is a addiction professional?!].”

1. Admit that I’m powerless over gossip and the constant onslaught of TMZ, Us Weekly and even CNN. I recognize that these “news” outlets aren’t going to slow in their gossip coverage anytime soon, so I must gain control of my consumption.

2. In doing so, I will avoid trigger places, like nail salons, airport newsstands and the pool at the Chateau Marmont.

3. I will look to higher powers, such as This American Life‘s Ira Glass, PBS newsman Jim Lehrer and Christiane Amanpour (yeah, she’s on CNN, but it’s not like she was the one reporting on Anna Nicole’s death or anything), for guidance.

4. If I do find myself on People.com, I will admit my mistake and not follow up with a dose of Hollyscoop or Defamer.

5. I will take a searching moral inventory of the powerlessness I feel in my own life that makes me enjoy judging Paris, Lindsay and Britney.

6. I will admit that a paparazzo disguising himself in a pile of leaves to photograph Jennifer Lopez’s wedding is a stalker, and that when I look at these photos, I become a stalking accomplice.

7. I will humbly ask that my roommate watch the latest E! True Hollywood Story in her own room.

8. I will make a list of persons I have wronged with inane questions like, “How on earth does Wilmer Valderrama get all those hot girls [ed. note: sorry, Robbie.]?”

9. Then I will make amends to those people however possible, including using conversation starters like, “So what’s your carbon footprint?”

10. I will seek help through a sponsor, preferably one with a degree in 18th-century literature.

11. I will seek, through meditation and online chess games, the conciousness that is required to pay attention to things like art festivals and gallery openings rather than what shower gifts Jennifer Garner has received.

12. Guided by this spiritual awakening, I will start my own website devoted to gossip about politicians, religious leaders and the entire royal bloodline of Austria.

 While I don’t necessarily agree with all of these (hello, I don’t even have a roommate), I did find some of them hitting a little too close to home. But what can I do? It’s not like I’m going to stop watching Big Brother or anything. Oh well…

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Responses

  1. Doesn’t the 12th point kind of blow the whole thing? I mean gossip, whether it’s about celebs or politicians is still gossip right?

    Oh and Wilmer Valderrama gets all those hot chicks because he is a hot latin mane with fame and moey… and I hope to shag his twin in Mexico!!

  2. Hey, I didn’t write the article, I just retyped it! Ok, honey, you keep that dream alive (Do you really think he’s doable? Ew.). 🙂 xox

  3. hi. i am just realising that gossip might be a great way to live. there is not much else. not trying to dissuade you from detox though cause its all good. so any juicy titbits?

  4. hi. gossip is great!. it is the only thing that makes life worth living. but if you want to detox go ahead. its all good!


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