Posted by: shanty | June 28, 2007

Why You Should Never Use a Lady Bic in a Moment of Frustration

Here’s a little back story: I drive a really old car. I mean like a grand-dad car. Like this one:

buick-2.jpg

But so not as nice. Mine is beat up within an inch of its life, it’s vaguely maroon in color (before the decades of abuse and sun damage), has a peeling hard top, the passenger window motor is about to give out any day now (it doesn’t go up more times than it does), the fabric on the ceiling of the car has long since separated from the glue intended to hold it up (so I bought a bunch of fun colored pearlized straight pins and used them to make my initials in the fabric to secure it to the ceiling), the grille got smashed in (totally my fault) so it’s actually a navy blue instead of the pathetic excuse for maroon, and the front bumper (which is steel and not the wimpy fiberglass of today) somehow got twisted under a bit so all of the wires from the drivers side headlight and turn signal hang out. And, the piece de resistance, is there is no air conditioning in that bitch. None.

Now that I’ve painted you a nice picture…

Picture it: Yesterday, Baltimore. The temperature in good ol’ Charm City was around 94 degrees. I work in Ellicott City which is about 40 minutes–(on a really good day) yet only 12 miles–away from my house in Baltimore. After my car sits in the parking lot at my office for nine hours it is an oven. Yesterday I had to stay a little late at work and finally got in my car around quarter of six and I immediately began to sweat. I really hate the heat and I also REALLY hate driving in my car in the heat because it never cools off. It’s almost bareable when I’m moving, but when I’m in stop and go traffic for almost an hour, it makes me grumpy.

I was running late (typical) and trying to get home in a timely fashion because Robbie and ShantyTown best girlfriend Shannon M. and I were going to see Kathy Griffin at The Lyric. So by the time I get home I was a hot mess. Robbie came over and I was bitching and complaining and he was smiling and nodding (but most likely was thinking about hotdogs (thanks to Rich at FourFour for the inspirational .gif)), and I went upstairs to take a shower.

Now since heat rises, the second floor of my house is always about twenty degrees hotter than the first floor. I’m going to guess around 95-ish degrees. And I had HAD IT. I started slamming shit around, stomping through the rooms trying to figure out what to wear, all the time getting angrier and angrier and sweatier and sweatier. I finally decided to wear my new $12 dress from Old Navy. The caveat with that dress is I pretty much have to go commando because between the cut of the dress and my ever increasing ass (which I’m trying to work on before MEXICO!!), let’s just say that there are some unsightly lumps and bumps with the type of underwear I would need to wear with the dress so I had to go sans underwear. Now without going into too much detail, I’m just going to go ahead and say it may have been some time since there was any gardening done downtown. And if I was going commando, I felt the need to… weedwack.

Of course the Britney photos flashed through my mind, but I had a couple things in my favor: the paparazzi that normally stalk me were taking yesterday through the fourth off to celebrate our great land’s independence, and I don’t have a gaping caesarian wound (I’m not saying that pictures me getting out of a car totally oblivious and commando would be particularly appetizing… but still… I hadn’t given birth six hours previously, so I felt like I was relatively safe.).

Ok, so back to the dilemma. So I’m in the shower and I whip out the battery operated lady shaver (Yes, it really has only ever been used for that. Even though it’s battery operated and vibrates it still has BLADES people!) It’s just not doing the job. You know when your weedwacker gets backed up when you’re trying to wack wet grass? ANYWAY, I switched to my plain pink disposable Bic lady razor and began hacking away. No shaping, no length comparison, just blind shaving, as if my life depended on it. Like a machete in the jungle.

After all was said and done, my poor abused choch was TOTALLY shorn. Bald as a baby’s behind. Now I’ve only done this once before and regretted it because of the regrowth itching problem. I’ve gotten Brazillian waxes before (FYI It’s really not as bad as everyone says. I mean it hurts and all, but I’ve definitely caused myself a variety of inadvertant pain that was much worse than the pain from the Brazilian.) but I feel like there’s less of a regrowth problem with waxing. Maybe it’s a combination of mind over matter and the fact that it’s been awhile since I’ve been to Rio.

After I got out of the shower I was kind of stunned. It was like a car accident: you don’t want to look but you totally have to. I mean I know it’ll grow back and luckily my Jenna Jameson days are over so it won’t be captured on film forever, but as I was standing there drippping water all over my bathroom with my wholahay newly shorn, I had a revalation. I realized I’m turning into my mother. Odd situation to realize it, but none the less true. The fits of white-anger rage, the impatience, the bitching and complaining… Carbon copy. And then I just felt bad for Robbie for having to put up with my Francine(mom)-identical insanity. And then I had to get crack-a-lackin’ ’cause we were gonna be late.

So, in conclusion, unless you want to have disturbing revelations while naked and dripping in your bathroom in addition to being sore and itchy for days and days while you bald vajayjay goes through the shock, horror and pain of being completely, blindly and unevenly shaved, DO NOT DECIDE TO RECKLESSLY SHAVE ON A TIME CRUNCH! JUST DON’T DO IT!! IT’S NOT WORTH IT (ok, there may be a few upsides, but this is a cautionary tale.)!!

Like after a break up, or any life changing event, give it some time. Come back and revisit the idea in a few days, and if it still seems like a good idea then you can proceed.

Unless you want your puss to look like this.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. well at least that explains what was taking so damn long… i had time to make 2 sandwiches, watch some tv, send a bunch of text messages, and read half of the Bible.

    Either way… i hope yer cho’ch is ok…

    xoxo

  2. R-uh Now I know that’s a lie ’cause you know I don’t got no Bible.

  3. That was fuckin brilliant!!! And hi-larious. If I had only known the nekkid beaver was so close to me tonight on my couch (with the feet of a 10 year old), well… I might have run. But it was too fuckin hot.

    Kisses

  4. Eddie Aw, thanks! Sorry about the dirty feet! 🙂 Hope you have fun in Canadia!

  5. by the way here is a photo which is allegedly the same car that i now own but in my opinion doesn’t look anything like my car but apparently must be the same car because the website I stole it from said it was a 1997 mercury mable and that’s what i own.


Categories

%d bloggers like this: